DRONK

The Finer Points of Animal Alcoholics

2008-06-07T02:15:00.001-07:00

Oddly enough, nothing seems to make me feel happier than a bunch of party animals. Sure they are all going to some form of zoo rehab soon, but fuck man. They are having the time of their lives. These animals are trendsetters. While others of their respective species are going out to do things like hunt and perhaps built shelters (or whatever animals do) these guys looked boldly into the eyes of their peers and said "nu-uh". How that baby penguin got that merlot is beyond me. I assume the polar bear gnawed off the hand of some eskimo to get to his hooch and smokes. My basic point is if you pass a polar shaking a cup with a sign around his neck that states "will kill for hooch" throw some silver in his cup. Hes had a hard enough time already.

In conclussion, I will simply leave you with the words to the song "Cigarettes, Whiskey, and wild wild women"

Cigarettes, whiskey and wild wild women
They'll drive you crazy, they'll drive you insane;
Cigarettes, whiskey and wild wild women
They'll drive you crazy, they'll drive you insane;

Once I was happy and had a good wife
I had enough money to last me for life
Then I met with a gal and we went on a spree
She taught me smokin' and drinkin' whiskee

Cigarettes are a blight on the whole human race
A man is a monkey with one in his face;
Take warning dear friend, take warning dear brother
A fire's on one end, a fools on the t'other.

And now good people, I'm broken with age
The lines on my face make a well written page
I'm weavin' this story -- how sadly but true
On women and whiskey and what they can do

Write on the cross at the head of my grave
For women and whiskey here lies a poor slave.
Take warnin' poor stranger, take warnin' dear friend
In wide clear letters this tale of my end.

A Meditation on Cinema and The Cougar That is Dianne Weist via Text Messages

2008-06-01T23:10:00.000-07:00

Mac: I'm just gonna put this out there: Con Air, in the running for best 90's ensemble piece?

Jason: Perhaps? What about Deep Rising or Armageddon?

Mac: All of those movies are just like Robert Altman flicks on coke and Viagra.

Jason: Exactly!

Mac: I love movies where the talent is slumming but they are still having fun. Which is why I adore Con Air and Deep Rising. Armageddon has Billy Bob and the off thing is that you can tell he's annoyed to be a part of such a tard fest.

Jason: Yeah. As if he never takes a role in turkeys.

Mac: Yeah but that was in the wake of his "I make movies about retarded French fried tatter loving murderers, thus I'm an auteur". Everyone has that phase.

Jason: Now he is a retarded French fry or whatever you just said.

Mac: I'm watching a VHS of Lost Boys. It's normal to wanna rail Dianne Wiest isn't it?

Jason: Dude I still wanna rail Dianne Wiest.

Mac: She is just a fine looking lass. I would pour her boxed wine all night. She seems like the kind of gal who would make you bacon & eggs the next morning.

Jason: Or maybe weird oedipal french toast.

Mac: My mom looks nothing like Dianne Wiest. I could show Wiest the light very easily without feeling weird about it.

Jason: Totally. I want to experience her experience.

Mac: She's self aware and pretty in an off centre way. I guess what I'm saying is that I would lease my face on a month to month basis to Dianne Wiest's vagina.

Jason: I would commit to a 6 month lease and then go month to month after that to shoe her that she's my number one lady.

Mac: Fucking a. To parlay this back to Lost Boys: I know hot topic cunts have fucked it up to a degree, but this movie has some awesome nerd elements to it, and is also awesomely dated.

Jason: And it has the Keefster.

Mac: I just wanted to write "the Queefster" after I saw that.

Magic Horses

2008-03-03T23:09:00.000-08:00

An open letter to the creator of Magic Horses

From the Desk of Dirtbike Donahue

hello,
we dont know each other. My name is Dirtbike Donahue, and several days ago I stumbled across your video as I was perusing youtube. I only managed to watch about half of your video, due to one glaring fault in your video. What you have haphazardly edited together are not "magic horses". Those are called unicorns. Jesus fucking Christ who doesnt know what a unicorn is? And espeically someone who spent at least 45 minutes editing together an entire slideshow filled with the things. I pray to god you are some sort of nine year old editing genius living in an igloo with a wireless connection. Because otherwise you are probably either the biggest little shitkicker in your school or are some sort of creepy Hallmark employee. Either way amazon.com a book on unicorns you shitheel.

Cordially,
Dirtbike Donahue

Lord and savior

2008-03-01T12:31:00.000-08:00

Thanks to CHUD

breaking News: Obama's Hidden Past Revealed!

2008-02-29T17:50:00.000-08:00

We here at Dronk headquarters are constantly knee deep in piles of breaking news. But today, I Dirtbike Donahue have uncovered information that will certainly cast Barack Obama's vie for the office of US President into doubt. A source who shall remain annonymous uncovered Mr. Obama's history as the leader of the largest gang in New York City, The Gramery Riffs. At the time Obama went under the psudeonym Cyrus, and was nearing a pact to unite the many gangs of New York under one umbrella, in order to run off the cops and mob. However before he could succeed, it appeared as though he had been gunned down. But this "assassination" was nothing more than an oppoprtunity for the man to reinvent himself as a politician and champion of the people.

Oddly enough, his transformation from feared gang leader to possible president came with a relaitive lack of change in rhetoric. "He was always talking us up before rumbles. We would be afraid that we was gonna get japped, but Cyrus would always calm us down. I remember we got in a big scrape with the Baseball Furies once. We thought we were gonna get killed. But Cyrus just said, 'Can we beat these mother fuckers? Yes we can"

We will provide updates as frequently as possible.

Fincher on Black Hole? Akira live action?

2008-02-20T19:36:00.000-08:00

Today has seen a strange flurry of off center comic to film news. First things first, David Fincher has taken over directing duties on the adaptation of Charles Burns Black Hole. Suffice to say if you haven't read it, now is the time. However to be honest, this shit will probably never happen. Because Fincher is one fickle dude. He has attached himself to about a half dozen projects that are heading nowhere. So until camera's start rolling, I'm gonna go ahead and call bullshit.

The weirder comic news today comes from WB, who in their infinite wisdom have taken it upon themselves to produce a two part live action remake of Akira, set in a futuristic New York. I'm no big fan of the original anime book or movie, but the visuals aspect is certainly impressive.

The reason that I find this odd is because according to AICN, none other than Leonardo Dicaprio and Joseph Gordon Levitt have signed on to play the leads.

To which I can only say....huh?

Dirtbike phone home

2008-02-18T22:02:00.000-08:00

I dont know how many people read this, but tonight, I have come up with a wonderful conclusion. I dont give a rats ass. There is something wondefully noble aboutu posting infantile goat shit on the internet for your own satisfaction. Only here can I post my ramblings about the combination of weed and films.....

speaking of which, when was the last time you watched E.T.?

Mother of god, nostalgia can be a serious motherfucker. While I was home this weekend, I made my usual pillaging of the home DVD collection, and wonderfully enough, my eyes fell on a little piece of treasure. Tucked away innocuoulsly between my Ernest goes to Prison and UHF DVD's I found it. My first thought was naturally, "why in the fuck did I buy E.T. on DVD?" but after overcoming my persnoal embarassment, i felt a delightful mix of excitement and anticipation. From that moment, I made a mental note to myself. And that note said simply:
2/19/08
I'm gonna get high as a kite and watch the shit out of E.T."

Now as the credits roll, I feel just like a kid again. Except when I was a kid, I didnt take four smoke breaks throughout the movie. E.T. is a film that makes you believe in the possibility of pleasant aliens, and also installs a deep seated root for govermental mistrust. 1984 may be a great novel, but it didn't make me wanna stick a pinecone up the man's ass half as much as E.T did and does. My only qualms for the film come with the updated edition.

Because Spielberg cares, or something, he digitally changed the goverment spooks guns to flashlights. I get that he didnt want to expose kids to guns in a family film. However removing those guns removes the danger of Uncle Sam popping a cap in the aliens ass. To really be on the edge of ones seat, you need to believe that those spooks will shoot to kill. In the happy new version, there aint shit to be scared of. what are they gonna do? Play flashlight tag with him? Oh shiver my fucking timbers, run E.T. god forbid you get caught with the flashlights!

That minor complaint aside, I couldnt advise you more to dig through that box of VHS in your basement. E.T. ages beautifully.

Clive Owen loves whores

2008-01-15T12:23:00.000-08:00

Taken from Extras:

This is your brain on what the fuck?

2008-01-06T22:48:00.001-08:00

Wait a fuckin minute, David Lynch has a sense of humor? Or is he just pissed? Fuck it. This seems like as good a way as any to say watch Dronk. More "things" to come.

Dronk holiday cheer

2007-12-19T02:14:00.000-08:00

Well unsurprisingly its been a craptastic holiday season, and I think I speak for everyone when I say I wish I was jewish. The older I get, the more Christmas makes me want to shove a pine cone up santas ass. What the fuck is wrong with the ad execs of yesteryear? How can anyone be so fucking soulless, so morally bankrupt, that they can use santa to sell fuckin smokes? Dont get me wrong, I smoke more than your grandpa did while he was pinned down by the krauts in WWII, but even for me this is in poor taste. However the thing that really chafes my snow balls is the ad where santa is smoking pall malls. Come on, the guy is essentially the warlord hovering over several thousand dwarves and some fuckin flying reindeer. Dont tell me he aint gettin paid. The only person I've ever known who smoked pall malls was an ancient chinese guy who sold womens shoes and once told me he wanted to drink a customers bathwater.

So parents of the world, be weary of who you let down your chimney. When you wake up christmas morning missing your stationwagon and Van Morrison boxset, dont even think about saying I didnt warn you.

Will Smith Gives Your Eyes a Rough Handjob

2007-12-17T14:08:00.000-08:00

The teaser for Will Smith's next big fuck-up is online. The film, which I had no idea is apparently a racous comedy set to the thumping tune of the musical stylings of Chris "Ludacris" Bridges (ever since crediting himself as such in the Crash credits, he has no other name to me. Way to be the biggest dick-cheese in a cheesy movie made by and for cheesy dicks), is about a drunk superhero. Hilarious! The title Hancock is only a minor improvement over the slightly more homoerotic Tonight He Comes.

Speaking of homoeroticism, after watching I Am Legend on Friday, I felt as if Will Smith had ram-rodded my asshole in the worst way possible. It was an unwatchable piece of shit and this trailer makes me want to cry because it looks like you'd expect the sound of shit being shot out of a magnum to look.

Watch the trailer at your own peril here: http://www.movieweb.com/news/73/25173.php

Lily Allen: still overrated blog-whore, confuses music and eggs

2007-11-14T17:55:00.000-08:00

Myspace super bitch Lily Allen took "unnecessary" to a new level today, when she called Radiohead's decision to release their album for free on their website and allow fans to choose how much they want to pay for it "arrogant," on the grounds that this would somehow fuck everything up for other bands.

"It's arrogant for them to give their music away for free - they've got millions of pounds. It sends a weird message to younger bands who haven't done as well,” says Allen. “You don't choose how to pay for eggs. Why should it be different for music?"

...
Okay. Let's just go ahead and stop right there. Are you kidding me? This girl is so coked out of her head that she thinks there's a similarity between egg sales and music sales? I don't think anyone asked to change the egg vending system because it hasn't changed in 2,000 fucking years. You buy your eggs, you give the farmer money for squeezing them out of the chicken. In case you've been underground fucking gnomes for the last five years and you haven't noticed, the music industry has undergone a pretty significant change. It's not as simple as buying a CD and paying the artist, dipshit, because some cat by the name o Napster showed up and fucked everything up. Radiohead are pioneering a new alternative that DIRECTLY BENEFITS THE ARTIST AND GIVES COMPLETE CONTROL TO THE CONSUMER. THERE IS LITERALLY NOTHING ARROGANT ABOUT THAT.

Now if you want to talk about "send[ing] weird messages" to fans and younger bands, how about blogging your insecurities and asking your fans for recommendations on where to get a liposuction, getting trashed and showing up late to your shows and being an overall bitch for no reason? I hope Thom Yorke strangles you with his mind.

When you're hungry like the WOLF

2007-11-13T21:27:00.000-08:00

Over the weekend whilst hanging at my homies crib, the constantly delightful on demand box had a little lump of sugar to splash in my life's hot cocoa. We discovered a film that I had been somewhat unknown too, Mike Nichol's Wolf, starring none other than Jack Nicholson. I knew little of the film, except that Jason referred to it as the "horny werewolf movie", which made me assume that Nicholson might be howling up costar Michelle Phieffer's chaps. However upon watching the film, I find my self semi stupified by the honest to god attempt to make a good film. Nichol's earnest attempt at injecting a flaccid subplot at a book firm is at least interesting because of how unexpected it is. Clearly the vibe they were going for was classic Nichol's drama with a mixed cocktail of werewolf. They thought this was gonna be the thing that brought back horror, brought back werewolves, which had died out in the late 80's. with a couple classics, such as The Howling and American Werewolf in London. Nichol's direction is honestly more fucking pompous than winston churchill's cigar butt's. Nicholson is presented as a bit of a crotchy old limpwrist, who after being bitten by a wolf, suddenly starts feeling a great extension of vitality. And I mean that in several ways. However there is probably ten minutes of werwolf action, and the werewolves are really just nicholson with sideburns and a stunt double. I should have hated this shit hump.

And yet, I find my self pondering it regularly. Ever since I watched the film, something stuck with me. Perhaps is was the awesome James Spader as a typical Spader scum bucket. More likely it was the awe inspiring showdown where Spader, werewolfed to the limit, faces of against Nicholson in a horses stable. In this confrontation, clearly a re-telling of Hector vs. Achilles, Spader slashes Jack's face with a pitchfork, then stabs him through the shoulder and chest with it. However Jacky boy pulls it out and procedes to throw Spader face first into a row of stone steps. This movie has a wreak-de-mehhh quality to it, but in there somewhere I really respect the audacity it must have taken Jacky Tubs to make this flick. Watch it yourself, and let the wolf wash over you.

Celebrity Shenanigans

2007-11-10T00:02:00.000-08:00

According to Page Six, George Clooney and male model/margarine whore Fabio got in a shoving weekend after Clooney thought Fabio's friends were taking pictures of him. I dont really know what Clooney was thinking, but kudos to him for trying to finish the work that martyr bird started.

In other news, Mickey Rourke was arrested for DUI while driving on his vespa. Apparently he pulled an illegal turn directly in front of a cop. How about that mug shot though? I think he might be rockin' a half fu manchu, which goes quite nicely with his surgically battle scarred face.

Cryogenics my ass 'til 2008

2007-11-09T20:59:00.000-08:00

Its been a crazy Batman day in the smokey confines of DRONK headquarters. In additon to Baxtor's earlier post, new spy photos have been uploaded from the shoot in Hong Kong. So it appears, that somewhere in the midst of 2008's Dark Knight, Bruce Wayne will be chillin with Lucius Fox whilst being a foot taller than the whole of Hong Kong.

It may be redundant, but fuckin hell, I really cannot wait for this movie. I cant even remember the last time I was so excited for a film. It makes me feel like much more of sphinctor than I really am, but when I even think about the idea of sitting in an imax theater to see this fucker, it makes me slightly aroused.

Nolan, Bale = Badass

2007-11-09T12:55:00.000-08:00

Via filmdrunk and comingsoon.net:

There were rumors that a stunt for The Dark Knight was cancelled due to Hong Kong's water pollution. Nolan says....naw.

"As far as the pollution question goes, I honestly have no problem dumping movie stars in it."

Hardcore.

The film will use Hong Kong's spectacular skyline during several days filming there, Nolan added. [star Christian] Bale said he was excited about climbing to the top of some the city's highest buildings "and jumping off of them."

Hardercore. Bale fears nothing. Even gravity.

EGAD!

2007-11-08T14:30:00.000-08:00

There's a new video of Frank Miller up on the website for his forthcoming sort-of directorial debut The Spirit. Peep it here.

...if you want to become really depressed. Frank's finally drank himself into senility. It's always crushing to see your lifelong heroes withered up and shrivelled...a floating white raisin against a see of black and dwarfed by an absurb hat. It's like spenidng time with your Grandpa...you know you ought to be doing it but you kind of can't wait until it's over and then once it is, you're immediately horifically depressed and you want to go chain smoke in a cemetary with James Woods.

Mayor of D-Bag City Can't Touch This

2007-11-08T14:15:00.000-08:00

Heath/Joker ("aids is funny!") showed up at a recent NYC concert event for Todd Haynes' I'm Not There Dylan flick sans makeup but wearing a royal blue American Apparel hoodie. Can't touch that, Nicholson. Joker is a sadistic murdering fuck in hipster clothes. Word.

Jack Nicholson: old, fat, mayor of D-bag city?

2007-11-07T14:45:00.000-08:00

In a rather candid interview with MTV, cinematic legend Jack Nicholson admitted that he was "furious" about the new rendition of the Joker in the upcoming Dark Knight. Read this article. Wait actually please dont. It's just shameful how big a horses ass Nicholson has become. After having read this bullshit, I can feel my steady love of his work draining out of me like a junkie in detox.

Shit, maybe this is how old people get. Maybe they cannot rationalize that when they are 70 years old, balding, legally obese, and possibly senile, they may not be the best bet to play a role that clearly needs a spry fellow. From his comments, I get the distinct feeling that Nicholson probably has never flipped open a comic book before. Im not entirely sure why he is railing on a performance that he has yet to see, but I suppose if you are the guy who starred in Chinatown, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Five Easy Pieces, Easy Rider,The Last Detail, The Shining, Reds, A Few Good Men, Prizzi's Honor, and As Good as it Gets, maybe he has earned the right to be a total douche bag.

http://www.mtv.com/movies/news/articles/1573617/20071106/story.jhtml
*Note: After writing out that list, I feel a deep longing for a Nicholson film festival. ahhh shit.

R.I.P. My entire fucking life from age 6-19

2007-11-05T14:57:00.000-08:00

From comicbookresources.com's Monday comic gossip column Lying in the Gutters, who's usually got the legit dish:

In June/July, DC are killing off Batman. Or rather, Bruce Wayne. Robin will inherit the Batman cowl. One of the Robins anyway. Tim Drake. Jason Todd...Either way, the book will relaunch with a nice shiny #1

Uh...wow. This is the kind of shit fans have been clamoring for for years (real change!) and I get that DC is really throwing the shit at the fan for Grant Morrison's epic-to-end-all-epics Final Crisis next summer but damn. This is Bruce Wayne we're fucking talking about here, THE greatest comic character ever and don't tell me that Batman isn't Batman because of Bruce Wayne. It all starts and ends with BW, any surrogate Batman just doesn't have that same crazy motivation and darkness so crucial to the character. Not to mention that "playboy billionaire" is THE BEST alter ego of all time.

Bruce Wayne, I know I've only got a few months left with you man, so I'll try and make the best of it while I can but always remember you been my hero since I was six years old.

End rant.

Omega fights the mink?

2007-11-05T01:34:00.001-08:00

Whilst doing some browsing today, I found the cover of the new Omega the Unknown, written by Dronk favorite Jonathan Lethem. From what I can see here, it appears our friend Omega, the mute Alien hero, will be fighting the Mink at some point. Regardless of whether or not you actively read comic books, after reading the first issue, I get the distinct feeling that this story arch might just become seminal. The first issue hit stands last month, so you can probably still catch up on the fun.

Dronk contributer compromised

2007-11-04T18:11:00.000-08:00

Daily Show still apparently hip?

2007-11-02T20:09:00.000-07:00

Props to the nebbish English major on Jon Stewart's payroll for coming up with this nifty little caption and jpeg for a story about American torture that simulates drowning.

Ya gotta start somewhere

2007-11-02T03:00:00.000-07:00

Look closely amigo's, and you shall notice the dweeb rockin' the shit out of that F-Zero is none other than Paul Rudd.

Similarly bizarre but equally hilarious, we have Vin Diesel in an instructional break dancing video. Note how fucking weird Diesel looks with hair.

Harrison Ford: Respect the finger

2007-11-01T21:24:00.000-07:00

While watching the Dawn of the Dead sequel as my girlfriend drew a surprisisingly bad-ass picture of the silver surfer, I found myself perusing facebook casually only to make a landmark discovery. For some reason, I typed in "Harrison Ford" to look at the various groups put up in his honor. I stumbled across a group that detailed what is apparently Mr. Ford's go to acting move, the arrogantly pointed finger. Watching his films, this had never actually occured to me. But upon seeing the dozen or so image within this group I found myself shocked at how many fucking times he has done this. Does this absurd repition make him a shitty actor? The answer is fuck no jackass. He's harrison Ford. If he stood around chain smoking and farting in Anne Heche's face for two hours, it would probably be fucking brilliant*.

Shit now that I am thinking about it, lets just break it down for poppa ford. How many millions of dollars does that dude have in box office revenue? He has been Han Solo, Indiana Jones, Jack Ryan, the President, the fugitive, Deckard, and Jethro the Bus driver. While he has suffered rather dramatically in the box office as of late, he is gearing up for what will undoubtedly be a massive career resuscitation with Indiana Jones 4. Its gonna be a good year for Ford fans, you can bet your sweet asses that much.

*NOTE: Oh shit, I totally forgot about Six Days, Seven Nights which is pretty far from brilliant.

thank you pitchfork

2007-11-01T14:23:00.000-07:00

"I looked over the map: a total of over a thousand miles, mostly Texas, to the border of Laredo, and then another 767 miles through all Mexico to the great city near the cracked Isthmus and Oaxacan heights. I couldn't imagine this trip. It was the most fabulous of all. It was no longer east-west, but magic south."

AWW CHRIS NOLAN WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

2007-10-31T21:19:00.000-07:00

Man Nolan is one sick prick. After the rather cutesy code naming of Dark Knight as "Rory's First Kiss" (Rory being his baby) Nolan has all of a sudden come up with a new joker viral website. It is www.rorysdeathkiss.com

Nolan, fo' really though? When your kid grows up and hears about your psuedo evil shenanigans he is gonna fucking hate you man. That being said, you should really check out the viral marketing for Dark Knight, because frankly it is both time consuming and mind blowing, and is also cheaper than illegal drugs.

The Multi-Ballet

2007-10-31T04:49:00.000-07:00

Its been an odd couple of days, scouring the internet, foraging for fresh facts, cultural oddities and the like. Tonight I found myself halfheartedly working my way through a slew of flicks; Dawn of the Dead, Spaceballs, The Omen, High Fidelity, and half of Hard Boiled in Cantonese. For the last hour, I have sat on my bed, constantly hitting the refresh button on my browser, waiting for The Delightfully drawn out Dark Knight website whysoserious.com to reveal its mysteries to me. It's nearly 5 in the morning, and I am wondering to myself, why do I even give a shit about this? I am obsessing over a film about a self richeous millionare who dresses up in a black onesie to fight crime. Not only that, but there have already been five films, a handful of TV shows, and countless comic books devoted to this character. One would think we as a culture would have had it up to our fucking ears with the Batman.

And yet I have refreshed the page three times in the past ten minutes.

I find myself largely siding with the general idea that remakes are usually unnecessary and often times do not lend anything to the cannon which spawned them. Remakes generally function to continue the regression of cinematic creativity, leading the industry to a constant flushing of the same shit down our throats. Yet I find the trend of remaking the same stories utterly fascinating. Getting beyond the general arguement of redundancy, its terribly fascinating to see what we as a culture have decided are the quintessential stories that need to be told over and over. I find it delightful to think that what the american culture has labeled quintessential, are largely comic book heroes. I cant think of any two characters that perfectly mirror american culture better than batman and Superman. Looking back at the initial characters, both would be dated, if not for the fact that they changed as the country where they dwell did. With Superman you have the boyscout, the constant positivity, the american dream wrapped up in a blue jammies. Batman offers you the dark soul of America, the longing for something better, and the knowledge that you have to crawl through a lake of shit to ever get it.

I wonder if when I have kids, will I be taking them to go see a Batman reboot starring the shithead from High School Musical? I feel like it wont bother me, regardless of the quality. I just like knowing that as I get older, my favorite characters will still surround me.

Hanks Say: Hit me up on Myspace

2007-10-28T23:54:00.000-07:00

uhhh......well shit. I dont know how to put it to you, world. But Tom Hanks has a Myspace. And before you say, "Dirtbike you backwoods retard, some obsessed fan of Bachelor Party put it up as a tribute," I say nay. As proof, head over to Hanksey's
myspace at: http://www.myspace.com/tomhanks

Once you head over there, make sure to check out the Hankster's particularly ridiculous videos, including him riding around in his electric car.

Im not entirely sure what prompted Hanks half-assed attempt to reach out to the kids. My best guess would be the Christmas release of his latest film Charlie Wilsons War, which should hold absolutely no appeal to anyone under the age of 37. Im not sure if he realizes it yet, but Tom Hanks may be the worlds largest clown shoe on the planet. Yeah, the guy is a fucking millionare god knows how many times over, he could do any movie he wants, and yet his next movie is going to be.... Angels and Demons. The bullshit prequel to The Da-Vinci Code. Christ, I understand how much fun it must be to be able to afford a chocolate milk fountain in your kitchen, but the whoring really must end. Unfortunatley I think people are under the allusion that the older he gets, the lower his jowls hang, the more his "everyone appeal" increases. Maybe he is right. But unless he stars as a transexual neo-nazi trying to become a kindergarten teacher in Alabama soon, then I may never watch Big again*.

*Note: I absoluteley love Big, and fuck you if you dont. That film is charming. I mean come on, Robert Loggia is playing a huge piano. Really. Look at the size of that piano.

Director Spotlight: Horion74, a DIY visionary

2007-10-23T15:13:00.000-07:00

Ryan Adams is many things. A songwriter, an entertainer, a quasi-deity and, in some countries, an outlaw. Now, thanks to his semi-secretive Youtube personality "Horion74," (http://www.youtube.com/user/HORION74) we can add screenwriter, director and actor to that list. It would seem, during his offtime on his summer tour that Mr. Adams, along with the ever-supportive Cardinals, has been indulging his inner Scorsese, with two inter-linked short films and a smattering of typical Adams tomfoolery. The clips are edited primitively with i-Movie, and Adams' distinct style of cinematography indicates a nod to the grainy, early 90's DIY films like Richard Linklater's "SLACKER." Although I highly recommend starting with "Rhoda-Ro Live," "Styled-Up with The Cardinals" and "Ryan Adams: Guitar God" simply for their near-Lynchian existentialist humor, but "The Dookie Brothers," which is described by the director as "A splendid pastiche of the "music documentary" from the bygone days of "rock,"" but is really just a baffling clip of Cardinal Brad Pemberton rambling interspliced with Ryan himself smoking and playing chess, is in its own right a piece of Dada art and worth one (and only one) viewing.
Horion's two short films "Night Loop" and "Slice of Death" are a different beast altogether. I don't really know how to explain them properly or justify their existence, suffice to say they are two parts of a loosely connected crime-narrative featuring protaganist "Buddy Dragon" and villain "J-Rod the Scumbag." Adams clearly has a knack for hokey dialogue, seen in the end of "Night Loop" when Adams himself delivers on a mob-boss monologue: "J-Rod, it's your job to get out there, find Leon, and find Buddy, and settle this shit once and for all. I want you to get 'em, I want you to get 'em to meet, and I want you to get 'em to fuck each other up."
I'll post both "Night Loop" and "Slice of Death" below, but for the full Ho-rion experience, I'd recommend going straight to the source. Also, in related Ryan Adams news, his new EP Follow The Lights was released yesterday and features two new songs strongly in the vein of Easy Tiger's polished melancholia, plus bone-rattling acoustic takes on "If I Am a Stranger," "This Is It" and "Dear John."
NIGHT LOOP:

SLICE OF DEATH:

Criterion: Lethem, Buscemi,Allred????

2007-10-18T00:39:00.000-07:00

Criterion, makers of painfully overpriced cinematic classics has a delightful little list of interesting folks top ten criterion releases. Dig on Jonathan Lethem thoughts on cinema, as well as Madman creator Mike Allred, Steve Buscemi, John Lurie, and even Ricky Jay. Its a damn interesting little feature that will provide the average film fan a slew of new flicks to check out.

http://www.criterion.com/asp/toptens.asp

Schneider II: Electric Boogaloo

2007-10-14T16:50:00.000-07:00

Upon making my way back up to the friendly town of Bellingham, my girlfriend had done something astonishing. For reasons unknown she had taken it upon herself to email one Paul Schneider out of the blue. To her great surprise as well as mine, she received an email back from the man himself the very next day. Behold the badass absurdity:

My name is Robin. I am 19 years old, and have a boyfriend named Mac... as
in Macaroni and cheese, Easy Mac(a big hit), Mac Daddy, Macintosh, or Big
Mac. He is 6'8, making Big Mac the most appropriate of the
forementioned obnoxious nicknames. His days are mostly spent reading comic books and
smoking an obscene number of cigarettes. I have attached a photo of Mac for your viewing pleasure.
Anyways, down to business. Mac and his friends have a blog. This is the
link: http://imalittledronk.blogspot.com/

His cyber pen name is "Dirtbike Donahue." I'm not entirely sure why
though. His most recent entry discusses his fascination with your wonderful website. I think the previous two entries were about Christian Bale. So you get the idea. Well, probably not, but you should just check
it out anyways. It's pretty ridiculous and totally worth your time.

Now Mr. Schneider, I'm going to ask a favor of you, but I promise it's not
a very big one. If you happen to dig the blog, would there be even the
slightest chance that you'd be willing to plug it on your site? October 10th was our one year anniversary, and I suppose this would be
considered a belated (not to mention hella tight) anniversary gift to him.

He has no idea I'm doing this.

p.s. I have never felt so emotionally attached to a movie as I do to All the Real Girls.
p.p.s Mac and I are going to see Battles in Seattle pretty soon,and the
photos from the show you attended are making me all the more excited!
Thank you,
Robin

Below is the picture my lady attatched to the email, aptly titled "drunkmac.jpg"

Mr. Schneider's reply:

Dear R-SQUARED,

I READ YOUR LETTER TO MY GIRLFRIEND LAST NIGHT AND WE DECIDED THAT
YOU ROBIN, ARE ROMANCE INCARNATE! THE BEST THING THAT'S COME FROM MY
FRIEND BUSTING MY ROCKS BY BUYING ME MY OWN DOMAIN NAME THE WHOLE OF
THESE THREE YEARS BY FAR. WHAT A CATCH YOU ARE FOR THE MR. MAC, INDEED!

WELL, I WOULD BE HONORED TO BE A PART OF YOURS AND THE MAC'S FIRST
ANNIVERSARY, IN WHATEVER RETARDED WAY I CAN BE... (I WAS THINKING
WHAT A 6 FOOT 8 PIMP MIGHT SAY AND DECIDED MY NICKNAME FOR YOUR FELLA
IS JUST, "EAZY GIRL.")

BACK TO BUSINESS. AN OBSTACLE. THE ONLY THING IS, ME AND MY
PARTNER, THE BOOKSMUGGLER ARE DOING A MASSIVE OVERHAUL OF THE PS.COM
SITE AT THE MOMENT AND CAN'T PUT ANYTHING NEW UP.

BUT I'M THINKING IF MAC IS AS BIG A FAN OF HIS TIME ON THE THRONE AS
I AM, YOU AND HE MIGHT ACCEPT THIS AS A SUBSTITUTE ANNIVERSARY GIFT.

ALL THE HAPPINESS TO YOU AND THE GOOD SIR AND THANK YOU FOR THE BEST
LETTER,
paul SCHNEIDER

This has been a wonderful day. And I am left with two things rattling around my noggin.
1) I have far and away the tightest girlfriend on the planet Erf.
2) Paul Schneider is officially one of the coolest hombre's around.

Takin' a Shit: The Paul Schneider Story

2007-10-10T22:17:00.000-07:00

www.paulschneider.com

File this one under the ye olde WTF category. Paul Schneider, indie hero of George Washington and All the Real Girls fame, has his own website. And believe it or not, its pretty fucking rad. You get a taste of everything, from his photography, to his poetry, to his ramblingly cool blog posts.

Personally I didnt think Schneider could be any cooler, but then of course he loves Battles and has a picture of himself taking a shit on his website. This dude is pretty much my fucking hero. For gods sake, he is currently shooting a movie he wrote which is about, "A sweet-natured guy who enlists his pals to help him create and market his idea for a rocket-powered belt." Yeah. And by the way it stars Paul Giamatti and Billy Crudup. This fucker is going places.

Justice continues......

2007-10-03T19:19:00.000-07:00

Dronk favorite Christian Bale has choosen his next project, and suffice to say, Pablo Escobar is on his shit list. Thats right Bale will be costarring with Javier Bardem in Killing Pablo, a flick about the rise and fall of the notorious kingpin. All I can really say is well done Mr. Bale. I dont know when in the hell Bale's career turned into a clip show of him causing bad men pain, but by god I will keep rolling with this train until he drops dead.

clusterfuck city

2007-10-02T02:32:00.000-07:00

Fuck the JLA movie. Seriously. The fucker isnt going to come out until I can legally be as drunk as the batman pictured above, and I am already just fucking annoyed at the very utterance of those three diahree inducing letters. This movie is a slap in the face to both the fans and filmmakers of the new and vastly superior Batman and Superman franchises. Well maybe not the Superman film, but the point is, JLA is going to be an epic turd in every conceivable way. So before I have official casting announcements spewed into my ear, im just gonna go ahead and play casting director, for what would be Dirtbike Donahue's Justice League of America.

Green Lantern: I know that the green lantern is going to be black in the flick, but I stumbled across this picture of Bruce Boxleightner poorly photoshopped as the green lantern. All the whispers are indicating that the green lantern casting is going to be a hip urban actor in WB's weak attempt at marketing the whitest shit in the world to a wider demographic. But come on. Look at that picture of Boxleightner. It's fucking Tron. T.I. may have sold more albums that Boxleightner, but has T.I. ever taken down Master Control with a frisbee? King of the south my ass.

Superman: This role will be the kiss of death for whichever sorry shit ends up winning the role. I'm not entirely sure why it is that Routh wasnt offered the role, seeing as how his schedule looks to be wide the fuck open. Superman is going to be a huge fucking square when hes hanging with the likes of Batman and the Martian Manhunter, so to make the role work you need the most affable goober in hollywood. Which of course means Luke Wilson. Wilson's uncomfortable patter with Lois Lane would be to die for, and to see him flying about in a blue onesy would be cinematic pop art.

Batman: I'm going to go ahead and stick with the rumor mill on this one, Ryan Gosling for Batman. Look, if you are going to try and top Christian Bale while he is still donning the cape, you better get someone with chops. Bale may be young but look at the track record. Within thirty something years, he has managed to bring the old west, dragons, Japan, Vietnam, Hugh Jackman, Taye Diggs, and a slew of yuppies to justice. Christian Bale is just a sackful of badass and probably shits aluminum siding every morning. No one is going to be a better Batman than him. Thus Gosling. He is on an awkward plateua of stardom, taking a variety of roles that are stalling his career. He is just famous enough to be named as the new batman, but he is still cheap enough to afford. And in spite of a handful of crap films, Gosling is a fuckin Thespian. NOTE: The only reason I really want justice league made is to hear Bale talking heaps of shit about what ever moron plays Batman. That mans shit talking is priceless.

Martian Manhunter: While this will almost certaintly be done via the magic of CGI, martian manhunter should and will be played by Eric Bana. I dont know how, I dont know why, but Bana's psychotic aussie ass will make JLA hum. Count on it.

Kanye exposed to radiation/ shows humility on live TV?!

2007-09-30T11:29:00.000-07:00

Last night big-headed and small-bodied MC Kanye West took the stage for a Saturday Night Live performance of "Champion" and "Everything I Am," both tracks from his new album "Graduation." Never the strongest live rapper, Kanye managed to hold his own through the fast-paced "Champion" only to fumble up the best lyric ("I never rock a mink coat in the wintertime like Killa Cam or rock some mink boots in the summertime like will.i.am") in the slow-as-fuck "Everything I Am." The Louis Vuitton Don laughed it off with a "I just messed up on my rap on live TV like damn," and then after the chorus burst into a sixty-something bar freestyle. Admittedly not a freestyle of Lil Wayne caliber, props still go to Kanye for not throwing another fucking tantrum and instead doing something creative with his mistake. Ther rap certainly isn't without it's moments ("the blogs, the blogs / they try to diss me..." maybe Kanye reads the Stereogum forums after all!). Take a look, although I'm sure because it's NBC it'll be taken down quicker than a hobo at a buffet line:

Also, for kicks, dig the self-depricating skit he did right before his second performance:

Coming soon

2007-09-27T01:13:00.000-07:00

Hello again old friends, its your amigo Dirtbike Donahue back from a little summer siesta spent selling womens shoes and anihalating brain cells. DRONK will be back cooking with gas again during the coming days weeks and months. Stay Tuned

"Christian, we're ready for take 11. Just give us a little more of that trademark intensity this time." "OK, Chris, in a minute, I'm watching a show."

2007-09-04T00:03:00.000-07:00

Elijah Wood: Puppet Master

2007-08-30T10:44:00.000-07:00

This is the only possible response to the previous half-Damon, half-Bear, Arthur Creature conspiracy.

Matt Damon: Half Man, Half Bear

2007-08-14T20:04:00.001-07:00

Fresh on the heels of The utterly kick ass Bourne Ultimatum, Matt Damon has apparently choosen his next project. And that project is guest starring on the PBS kids show Arthur. Damon will be playing a TV program host that Arthur and his friends watch apparently. But no one gives a shit about that. Looking at this picture of the Bearified Matt Damon, I feel a mixture of nausea and utter curiousity. What in the name of god convinced Damon to appear on this fucking program? Hes finally reached the A list, getting any role he wants and now mother fucker looks like a pedophilic bernstein bear.

skyLonda blues

2007-07-27T00:51:00.000-07:00

If your having one of those days where your head is so far up indie music's pitchfork-emblazoned asshole to realize just-how privileged your musical life is... well... that day is no longer. I present Enter Shikari's "Sorry You're Not A Winner". A self-proclaimed English Post-Hardcore band throw a kaoss pad, an extra-small cheerio’s t-shirt wearing speed-junkie drummer and emo-opera lyrics into a blender set somewhere between 'suck' and 'my god how the fuck do these subcultures exist?'.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=P4MiC67seUY

do what you will with that

on a related note, the acid-guzzling toddlers known as animal collective have been officially nominated to replace the Dalai Lama. and just a few things are related to the OOOLLLDDD TIIIIMMMEEESSS

Broken Social Scene Presents: Lil Wayne - Handjobs For Hollygrove: The Mixtape

2007-07-17T22:37:00.000-07:00

"If you don't know Broken Social Scene you don't know shit about hip hop", says the Louisiana rapper Lil’ Wayne in support of his new mixtape. Handjobs For Hollygrove marks the superstars first collaboration with Canadian indie supergroup Broken Social Scene. The mixtape features 22 songs pairing Wayne’s effortless flow over orchestral and experimental beats, including the first ever freestyle in the tempo of 17/9. When asked whether the unusual time signature posed a challenge to his microphone abilities, Lil Wayne replied that “once you’ve sold crack out of your middle school locker the word challenge ceases to exist.” Kevin Drew, the sometimes songwriter for the alt-rock collective, said that it was an honor working with the hip-hop star who “brought entirely new things to the table”. We assume this is a reference to the blow-up doll full of pure heroin Wayne was found in possession of while trying to enter the Canadian border for his last recording session. The MC had his passport confiscated but managed to finish the mixtape’s final track, a third version of Lover’s Spit featuring R&B singer Trina on vocals, by flying the Cash Money helicopter to Montreal and hovering over the Arts&Crafts studio with a megaphone. The mixtape is expecting a worldwide release sometime next month, preceding Kevin Drew’s Spirit If… which is scheduled for fall 2007. No word on Lil’ Wayne’s studio album Carter III, but insiders claim studio time is booked up through 2013.

Broken Social Scene Presents Lil Wayne – Pitter Patter Goes My Bentley
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=I4T9R2GC

Dude! Live Free or Die Hard!

2007-06-27T12:52:00.001-07:00

Went to the midnight show of this bad puppy last night. Here are my initial thoughts:

Pros:

-Willis: Willis is the bomb in this movie. And you know I mean it, because I just lowered myself to the level of using the phrase "the bomb". His wisecracks are hilarious, his "I'm-just-a-guy-only-that-guy-happens-to-be-John-fuckin-McClane" attitude is perfect. Somehow, this cat managed to still kick ass even at age 52. Why is it some action stars can't age as gracefully (see Seagal, Steven).

-Action: Dude................this may be the best action movie ever. I know that's a bold statement, but seriously: the action set pieces in this flick are insane. A fucking Air Force Jet takes out a fucking series of freeway overpasses with a sixteen wheeler on em. Who do you think is driving? MCCLANE, bitches. There's also two insane car chases (one of which involves a helicopter, as I'm sure you saw in the trailer), a car-inside-elevator-shaft sequence, multiple shootouts, and some of the biggest explosions ever on screen.

-Manliness: This is a manly movie. I heard myself making caveman noises during some parts. This is 300 without the homoeroticism. Killing a woman by, as McClane so eloquently puts it, sticking an "SUV up her ass" is manly. Continually making jokes about her after she's dead? Manlier.

Cons:

-Villain: The Die Hards always had memorable villains played by interesting and talented actors. In this one we get a piece of wonderbread with an underbite.

-Dumb: The movie is really, really stupid. That's not really the point though, is it?

-Flimsy connection to other movies: This kind of irked me. It's not R, there's a mention of McClane's ex-wife but that's about it...it's barely connected enough to be a part of the franchise except McClane is still McClane and his balls are still the size of pregnant watermelons. I dunno, I just made that up.

Picknose Media strikes again!

2007-06-25T11:17:00.000-07:00

When I first heard Radam's Easy Tiger not two weeks ago, I couldn't help but wonder what notorious hipster review site Pitchfork Media would have to say about it. My predictions, as it turns out, were not far off. I wagered a 6.9, a typical score for an album that "has its moments" or "succeeds in what it attempts" but not much more. Granted, this is not what Easy Tiger deserves, but I know Pitchfork all too well, and their rocky history with Mr. Adams obliterates any chance he has at getting above an 8.0.
So, the review was finally published today, and things are even worse than I imagined. New P-fork scribe Marc Hogan (who bestowed fitting reviews to the new Polyphonic Spree album (6.4) and the Italians Do It Better compilation (8.3)) has found his way onto my permanent shit-list by giving Easy Tiger a 6.2, predictibly complaining that it "is vying for a spot on the Starbucks CD rack" and is "practically a compilation of his past seven years." Shocking Pitchfork. Shocking. But what really pisses me off is the transparent lack of effort that Mr. Hogan put into the review. He mis-quotes lyrics (claiming Halloween Head's opening lyric to be "Here comes that same old shit again/ I've got a Halloween head" instead of "Here comes that shit again/ I've got a Halloween head") and claiming "These Girls" to be a voice and guitar ballad when there's clearly a piano coda after the chorus. Even despite factual errors, I was generally soured by the reviewer's clear lack of familiarity with Ryan's work. He's clearly heard "Come Pick Me Up," as he name drops it twice, and maybe he saw the "New York, New York" video, as he mentions it as a hit in passing, but he has no connection with the artist, no familiarity with his back catalogue. He likens the harmonica in "I Taught Myself How To Grow Old" to "Come Pick Me Up" when any Adams fan will tell you it's much more like the slow-burning Demolition cut "Desire." He compares Adams self-parodying to R. Kelly. He uses the phrase "anachronistic vernacular" in a fucking Ryan Adams review. Fuck you Marc Hogan. Previous to Easy Tiger, Ryan Adams had released 8 albums in 5 years. The fact that he can still write a completely engaging song is a fucking miracle, don't expect him to change his own stripes just to suit your review. No it's not his "inspired 2000 solo pinnacle Heartbreaker," its a new fucking album. Get off Wikipedia and listen to the music yourself, dipshit.

EDIT:
If you'd like to read a competent review of Easy Tiger by a reviewer who clearly knows his shit, try Tiny Mix Tapes:
http://www.tinymixtapes.com/Ryan-Adams

I just spooged: movie news

2007-06-20T12:09:00.000-07:00

Before I begin, may I note that until today, I had the exact same amount of posts on DRONK as on DEBASER (77). Fuckin eerie.

On with the show...
FRANK MILLER TO DIRECT NEW NOIR FLICK STARRING CLIVE FUCKING OWEN
(hence the spooging)
Owen will be playing Noir legend Philip Marlowe (Bogie was all over dat shit) under Miller's directage in an adaptation of Raymond Chandler's (yes!) TROUBLE IS MY BUSINESS.

Says Owen, "Frank Miller knows more about noir than anyone I have ever met, and clearly the writing of Raymond Chandler has been an enormous influence on his life and his work"

Christian Bale stuck in Awesome Mode

2007-06-17T19:36:00.000-07:00

New 3:10 to Yuma trailer:

First thing I noticed about it (besides the out-of-place font choice at the end....wtf) was Bale. Between this and Rescue Dawn, it seems as if he's stuck in ass-kicking mode, post Batman Begins. There's even a line in this trailer about bringing somebody to (Start Christian Bale American Accent) justice (End Christian Bale American Accent)
And then he inexplicably takes out two guys at once with a Batman move...in the old west.
I swear, if this fucker ever does another romantic comedy it'll be him with Drew Barrymore at a barbecue in French Stewart's backyard announcing to anyone who'll listen that he's going to "bring the barbecue to justice" and then crippling three other guests with a sudden burst of Bale-Fu.

Holy Fucking Shit: New Batsuit

2007-06-14T16:26:00.000-07:00

My initial thoughts: a little busy but I like it. It looks badass. His blades shoot at people? Fucking sick. Just look at the knuckle studs...then imagine them shattering some criminal's jaw like glass.

THE INCREDIBLE HULK: Only the finest Hollywood Pedigree...no wait, that can't be right

2007-06-14T00:41:00.001-07:00

what the fuck is up with this new Hulk picture.

I could deal with Edward Norton signing on as Bruce Banner/The Hulk. It took some mental flexing but I eventually wrapped my mind around it.

Liv Tyler as Betty Ross? Ok.

Fucking Tim Roth as the evil, greener hulk-like baddie? Whew. Just trying to rattle my head bones on the mental marimba on that one is giving me (insert weird brain analogy)

And now comes the news, the shocking and weird news, that William Hurt of all people is taking over the role of General "Thunderbolt" Ross. Really? William "I got nominated for an Oscar for that YouTube clip where I take a dump while singing Sting's Desert Rose" Hurt* is in this movie now? I ask again: what the fuck?

What is it about a sequel/reboot of an unsuccessful film about a giant angry green man that is attracting such illustrious talent? What could possibly be so enticing about a film which by all appearances is simply an action flick where two green monsters duke it out with one another?

I am trying to comprehend this and I can't. Maybe you can help me.

Also, it looks like French techno band du jour Justice betta watch they back, these kids now how to kick out dem jams.

Aw Snap.

*This clip doesn't exist. I guess I'm making a joke about Hurt's Oscar nom for his glorified cameo in A History of Violence. I mean, the guy was on screen for less than five minutes. He was nominated for the sole reason that HE IS WILLIAM HURT. He was good in that bit, sure, but I mean, motherfucker could have had a walk-on in Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties and still been nominated.

Radams

2007-06-13T03:51:00.001-07:00

DRONK favorite Ryan Adams sent us an exclusive press release for you diligent readers about the secret album he has been working on since his freshman year of high school. So instead of droning on like usual, I will simply let the man speak for himself.

Dear Dronkers,
thanks for all the recent love on Easy Tiger. I know you are probably all excited about that bad boy dropping soon. Who wouldnt be. Maybe you already scooped up the leaked version thats been making the rounds. If so, I've got a couple words for you. Actually just two. Kung and Fu. I know it. And I will be delivering you a swift round house kick if you dont delete the Tiger from your itunes right now.

Anyways back to the topic at hand. There has always been one album that I've thirsted to make. Its the album that wakes me up every morning and says, "good morning, Halloween head". Its so good, so fresh, so new, so monumental, its like sleeping in leather pants and waking up with a hot omlette on your plate. Its something I like to call Radams. Now, you may be asking yourself, what does Radams mean? Well friends, Radams is more of a state of mind than anything else. Yes its a combination of my names. That is a given. But what Radams represents is world peace through calcutta knife fights and cannon battles. Radams is meeting the girl of your dreams and then marrying her sister. Its getting stoned with Aquaman and sucker punching Tony Blair. It's the place I try to live most of my life. This album essentially charts the growth of me as a human being, as a man, through my adolescence to wear I am now, the man about town.

Currently I got a couple cracker jack fellas in the studio with me and we are creating a real firebreather of an album. I swear, every time I do playback on this album, its like a fucking fireball of love is exploding in my ear drum. A good friend of mine, Mike Skinner of the Streets, is gonna be singing the hook on whats shaking out to be the single. We havent quite named it, but currently I am leaning towards "The Princesse's handgun" but nothing is set in stone.

Im shooting for a December 25 release at present, so it should be a Radams christmas for all.

God Bless,
Ryan Adams

P.S. I wasnt kidding about Easy Tiger. Buy the fucking album, stop stealing my shit, fuckers.

Cinema le Dronque: The Green Mile

2007-06-12T19:03:00.000-07:00

Mac: dude why am I watching The Green Mile
Jason: I don't know
Jason: To see Tom Hanks not pee?
Mac: he started peeing again, Michael Clarke Duncan grabbed his sack
Jason: See? that's an uplifting moment

DRONK: At the movies

2007-06-10T04:39:00.000-07:00

Patrick "Roadhouse" Swayze. Keanu "Speed" Reeves. Gary "crazy as hobo doodoo" Busey. But one film in the delicious rocky roads of cinematic history features all three of these box office sensations. That one film is entitled Point Break.

Break is one of those great films that is utter shit, yet has aged remarkably well. I have watched Point Break 6 times in the past week, so i figure I might as well break down why this film has a very special place in my heart. You see since I was a little kid, my parents took delight in showing me films that were grieviously innapropriate. I still remember when I watched total recall and watched in horror as Arnold got his eye balls sucked out of his fucking helmet. I also remember watching conan* the barbarian, and getting strange feelings in my pants when Arnold bones that crazy hot vampire. But that is a story for another day.

Anyways Point Break was one of the first movies that my mom allowed me to watch that was just a visceral kick in the crotch action masterpiece. I remember thinking the ex-presidents (the bank robbers) were the coolest characters in the movie, which in retrospect is probably fucked up, seeing as how they are cop killing bank robbers and such. Maybe that just means I was born to be a straight up god damn criminal. Which reminds me i need to call my fucking parole officer. Shit.

Lets analyze performances. Swayze is at his most Swayzelishish, as a surf god philosphy fan who surfs for the spiritual awakenings that the rush provides. He and his gang are a bunch of adrenaline junkies, and Swayzes character is actually named Bohdi. Which is fucking awesome. Listening to his delivery of lines like, "chill out warchild, Seriously", has simply never gotten old.

keanu reeves stars as Johnny Utah, a fresh faced "quarter back punk", who goes undercover for the Feds in order to capture the fiendish Ex Presidents. Unfortunatley he realizes that Patrick Swayze is the balls, and that he is Keanu Reeves, and thus, kind of blows at almost everything he does. But dont worry about Keanu folks, because thank the fuck christ he is partnered with Gary Busey. Busey plays the stereotypical aging cop type, who has "fired his piece 19 times in the line of duty" and constantly talks shit about everyone. He even gets bricks off of a pool floor and eats 2 meatball sandwiches during the movie. But then some dickweed shoots him with a shotgun. Which is lame. Point being, Busey and Swayze are the balls, but they both eat it. Meaning we are left with dickweed magee Johnny Utah. Bleh.

In related news there is a DTV sequel coming about a group of surfer/robers in Thailand. Of course the only reason this would be cool is if Bohdi miraculously survived his offscreen drowning and paddled to Bangkok. Which i wouldnt put beyond either Hollywood or Patrick Swayze.

If they put me in charge of the sequel, heres how it would go.

After Bohdi's near drowning, he faked his death in order to flee justice at the hands of the FEDS/Keanu Reeves. Our story follows Bohdi living a life of seclusion in Bangkok, and he passes his time surfing and and living off of the money from his old bank robbin ways. However he is a man of peace, simply wanting to be one with nature and his woman, a sexy native. But when the Thai mafia kidnap his woman, bohdi must pull a new gang of surfers together in order to earn enough money to pay of the gangsters, so they dont kill his woman. However a grisled interpol cop, gary Busey as himself, is hot on his trail. Busey would play the twin brother to his character in the original point break, who has been out for cold hard vengance ever since his brothers murder. I swear just put a couple mother fuckers in a bush and cheney mask and then you can say there is political subtext. This fucking idea sells itself. The best part is that all the stars are affordable. Shit, I could probably get Swayze to act out the fucking dance scenes in dirty dancing for my neices bar mitzvah. And gary busey is so fucking out of it that I coulf probably just buy him a double whopper and drive him to the set, and then just tape whatever the fuck he says. Just write the rest of the movie around that. Box office gold baby.

Whoever holds the rights to Point Break should holler, I will throw down a treatment draft for a cool 11,000 in canadian dollars.

* Sorry for this Klostermann esque footnote, but I just wanted to point out that both my articles this week have featured Conan. What the fuck?

I literally cannot stop moving. Someone send an ambulance with narcotics.

2007-06-08T16:17:00.000-07:00

This track has been circulating the interwaves for a week or so now, but it's just too good not to give some DRONK love to. "Can't Stop Movin'" is a Jackson 5 sampling masterpiece, calling to mind all the gooey, summery goodness of a July afternoon on the streets of Chicago in 1973. Melting ice cream, rollerskates, the effect that water makes as its being sprayed out of a fire hydrant against a setting sun, a la "Do The Right Thing." This is the sound of happiness, I don't quite know how else to describe it. Do yourself a favor and download download download. A word to the wise, however: The bounciness of this song is potent. Do not, DO NOT, underestimate it. Your foot will not stop tapping (Dr. Scholl, if you're reading this, I'm willing to edit this post and insert some sort of product placement here; you can get my number from Ryan). I would not recommend listening before any of the following situations:
A funeral
A written exam
A job interview (unless of course the job you're interviewing for is for any sort of fast food mascot)
Falling asleep

Other than that, go forth. Dance, fucker, dance:

http://www.sendspace.com/file/ti327z

Is the Next Big HBO Show?

2007-06-08T13:19:00.000-07:00

MEOW?

2007-06-06T14:12:00.001-07:00

As far as comic books have come over the last 25 years, I must say that in general, the vast majority of funny books that you pick up off a shelf are total and unabashed baby shit. I was dicking around the Internet and stumbled across this cross over between Superman and the fucking Thundercats. Really? Thundercats? I don't know anything about these fuckers, but From what I can tell they seem to be incredibly muscular cat men, with enormous swords. Thankfully I missed out on them, thus I have no nostalgia. But I mean just looking at them, I'm doing a little mental arithmetic. Stick with me here.

Add that to:

Clearly the Thundercats are the bastard spawn of Conan the Barbarians kinky cat fucking habit. Think on that shit.

Speaking of Thundercats, the feline aficionados over at WB have apparently bought the rights to make a live action Thundercats film, which is supposedly going to be somewhat edgy. Actually I don't know if its going to be edgy or not, but I really like the idea of Ryan Gosling Playing a crazy sword wielding cat. I cannot fathom how this film could be made to be cool animated, let alone live action. This sounds like an utter cinematic travesty, so hopefully WB will do the write thing and abort this tarded project before they have the next Battlefield Earth on their hands.

Essentially, my thoughts can be summed up thusly:

Like eating pizza and toothpaste at the same time...or something

2007-06-03T20:16:00.000-07:00

Rupert Holmes wrote and sang 'Escape,' which is probably THE WORST SONG EVER (If you like Pina Coladas...)

But the man, besides apparently also being an author and playwright, is a fucking fashion plate. Take a look at the cover to his album 'Adventure.' My God, has anyone rocked the plain white V-neck sweatshirt better than old Rupie? Who besides he is bold enough to match it with WHITE FUCKING STRETCH PANTS?

Dov Charney can eat Rupert Holmes' shit and die. Hipsters will be all over this shit within a week, I gauruntee. Soft Rock is coming to rule us all.

Billy Corgan: The most washed-up kid on earth

2007-05-23T01:34:00.000-07:00

Okay Corgan. I can understand how you might have considered Zwan a good idea. In your post-Pumpkins haze, I can see why forming a new band might seem like the best career move. And hey, I'll give props where props are due: "Honestly" was kind of a bad-ass song, and you get mad props for wrangling David Pajo and Matthew Sweeney into the equation. But perhaps putting a "z" in front of a "w" in a four letter band name was a little much for the vowel-devouring (devoweling?) American public, and the disolution of Zwan put you back at square one. So at this point your options are a) retire (probably not a bad idea) b) go for the solo-singer/songwriter angle (a la.... well come to think of it this rarely works for anyone. Maybe Ryan Adams.) or c) reunite the old gang for another go around (this option almost certainly guarentees you a gig at the Emerald Queen Casino in your near future). And this answer is... (a) dammit, a) dammit...) c)? Well, sort of. You see, two years ago, Corgan took out an ad in a Chicago publication (this already reeks of arrogance) proclaiming his desire for "[his] band back, [his] songs and [his] dreams." Ouch. Tough blow to the guys left behind in Zwan. Anyways, key Pumpkins James Iha, Melissa Auf Der Maur and D'arcy Wretzky had the good sense to keep their distance from this reunion-by-numbers, and so, on July 10th in this summer of our lord 2007, the (half) Smashing Pumpkins will return, sans original line-up, with "Zeitgeist," their first proper album in eight years. Unfortunately, the cover for this monstrosity looks like this:

Really? The Statue of Liberty drowning? Obvious enough for you, guys? Not only is the cover the visual equivalent of being slapped across the face with a piece of old meat, but the artwork (which leaked to a Pumpkins fanboard after some knob jobs raided their studio and stole... pictures) looks absolutely abysmal. The damage? There's a picture of Paris Hilton in front of an atom bomb, a devil/George W. lookalike being crucified, children saluting in some sort of Nazi fashion and... Billy Corgan standing next to some naked chick? (the stolen pictures in question can been seen here: http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/12313547.html). To throw a big, fat, emo cherry on top of this whole shit sundae, the first single from "Zeitgeist" finally surfaced. The song in question, "Tarantula," is spilling over with the same kind of middle school Trapper Keeper schlock that I guess Pumpkins songs have always kind of veered towards. But where "Siamese Dream" and even a lot of "Melancholy..." felt organically mopey, this all just feels like a marketing tool. Look at these lyrics, there's no way homeboy's sincere:

"I don’t want to fight/
Every single night/
Everything I want is in your light"

or

"I wanna be there when you’re happy/
I wanna love you when you’re sad."

My question is this. Didn't this band used to mean something? I don't mean to suggest that they were once more subtle in their marketing, though I like to think they were. I guess that Corgan made a more convincing angst vendor when he wasn't, well, 40 years old.

Creed Thoughts

2007-05-22T02:24:00.001-07:00

Fans of The Office should be well aware of the insanely entertaining creepiness that pervades every moment that Creed Bratton is on screen. In The Office season finale, we briefly get a glance of Creed's blog, which just seemed far to wonderful to not check into a little more. After a quick Google search of "Creed Thoughts" I found that NBC actually has a page for Creed's blog. Enjoy.

May 17, 06:20 PM
Creed Thoughts

Hey-o, everyone out there in SyberWorld. It’s old Creed Bratton coming at your again, here from my perch as a Quality Assurance Manager at Dunder Mifflin paper. Just a few observations on the world around me.

What do you guys think is the best kind of car? To me, you can’t beat motorcycles. They’re small, and dangerous.

I got into a car accident yesterday and I just took off. It didn’t look too bad. The guy was making a big deal out of it, but come on – dogs don’t live forever.

Sometimes when I’m sick, or feeling blue, I drink vinegar. I like all kinds: balsamic, vodka, orange juice, leaves.

Working in an office is fine, but I’d rather be a millionaire. [Elaborate on this. It’s interesting. Maybe Trademark it, too.]

Today in my office where I work as Director of Quality Assurance, we went to the beach for some reason that was never adequately explained. When we were there, our manager told us to eat hot coals. I thought that was a little bit untoward so I ate a fish. Then a woman I have literally never seen before in my entire life started talking very loudly about something involving Halpert. She was agitated, I’d say. From what I could guess, she was definitely on drugs of some kind, perhaps cocaine, or maybe ‘drines. Also, she is a knock-out. She reminds me of a young Daphne Du Maurier. Also, I stupidly ate the fishbones. I told myself “never again” after the last time, but then you turn around, and bam, they’re in my mouth. I also ate 55 hot dogs in 15 minutes, which is a world record.

Everybody remembers: “April showers bring May flowers.” But no one remembers how the rest of that goes. Which I find so frustrating.

Prediction: the Orioles will win the World Series over the Pirates in seven games.

Prediction: the space program will be renamed the Outer Space Program by 2060.

Prediction: someday we will be able to travel faster than sound. We will “break the sound barrier.”

Prediction: [note – need more predictions.]

Reminder: Michael’s safe combo: 26-32-20.

JOKER...HOLY FUCK

2007-05-21T16:49:00.000-07:00

Props to Dirtbike for opening up Dronk as a portal for Batman movie news.

I feel obliged to post the newest, highest-resolution shot of Ledger-Joker.

Unfortunately, I also feel obliged to share my thoughts on it. You see, unlike Mac, I am undeniably a comic-obsessed geek. I remember one time Mac was stabbing a grizzly bear in the throat with a piece of dead wood on this mountaineering excursion (it's easier to get dronk at extremely high altitudes) and the whole time I was crouched behind a stump crying and praying for Superman to save us.

Anyway Joker. Clearly we have the long-rumored "cut/gash smile" and I dig it. Reminiscent of Ichi the Killer? Sure. Scary as fuck? Yes. I can only imagine what this shit will look like on screen. Terrifying and Disgusting--I love it. Also of note is the lack of smiling...this is not the iconic Joker shot we were expected. Instead we get this weird close-up; his head tilted back, his lips gently parted and his eyes only half open...it's a glamour shot! To me, this is strongly reminiscent of the creepy, homoerotic Joker* of Frank Miller's opus The Dark Knight Returns. Perhaps that comic will have more influence on the film than the mere titular homage.

There's also a lot of discussion now in the post-Joker pic interwub about how Two-Face is going to look. If he does appear with half his face acid-fucked in The Dark Knight, its likely Dent is going to look even nastier than the Joker. I mean, half his fucking face gets melted off! I think Nolan should take another page from DKR and go with the bandaged face look for Two-Face. The reveal of his nasty-ass face would be all the more potent if it was seen only in rare glimpses when his bandages come off. Plus, this way they could avoid fanboys complaining about a fetishism of deformity, ala what Burton did in Batman Returns.

*This was a brilliant move on Miller's part. He is the Numero Uno hater of Dr. Frederick Wertham's infamous anti-comics tract The Seduction of The Innocent, which puts forth one of the most ill-conceived and poorly executed arguments ever, and is where we get the popular misconception that Batman and Robin are gay lovers. By subverting that dynamic (and mocking Wertham with his Dr. Wolper character), Miller cleverly satirizes the idea of subversive sexuality in Batman comics.

WATCHMEN CASTING?

2007-05-21T13:56:00.000-07:00

Aint it Cool News is reporting three offers have gone out for starring roles in Watchmen:

Patrick Wilson has been offered the role of the Night Owl.
Keanu Reeves has been offered Dr. Manhattan
Jude Law has been offered ozymandias.

All three of these work for me, especially Wilson and Law. Shit even Keanu Reeves sounds kind of perfect for the uber-detatched Dr. Manhattan.

We will keep you posted, but for now regard this as a rumor.

Geek in Dark Knight/Celebrities are fucktards

2007-05-21T02:29:00.000-07:00

Anthony Michael Hall of Sixteen Candles/Weird Science/Breakfast club fame has been cast in a mystery role in the forthcoming Dark Knight.

To which I can only say.... huh. Really I don't give a shit about this one way or the other. Batman is for squares, I mean what kind of weak ass punk reads fuckin' funny books when they are nearly twenty years of age? Because lemme lay down some honest no jive shit.... it aint me.

In related news, I am full of shit.

Bam's obese croney Don Vito was arrested in Colorado after touching two girls innaproprietly,in August 2006. They were 12 and 14. All I can say is thank god this dude is a fucking pop culture icon right now. I cant wait for this guy to get his much over due Heart Attack. With any luck he will Choke on a Hoagie and crush Bam in his tumble. But he best not fuck with Ryan Dunn. That dude seems OK.

Victor Tron

2007-05-20T06:07:00.001-07:00

Donahue here-
I hear the kids these days are all clamoring over this fucking myspace buisness. I decided that in order to spread my literature to a new demograpic, I need to diversify and get one. My only hope is that the ex-wife doesnt find me. That could be a real pain in the ol' dupe shoot.

http://www.myspace.com/imalittledronk

Fucking shit I thought my dad took down all of his old Halloween pictures.

Another great T shirt brought to you from some website I am to hammered to remember. To be honest with you, this shirt essentially epitomizes how I see my life going in about 7 years.

This dudes name is Victor Tron. Jesus ass blasting Christ, with a name like that you better have the fucking look to pull it off. I mean, this guy should be missing an eye, probably have a robot arm, and several hideous scars, maybe even a missing ear. He should look like someone unloaded a shotgun shell into his face while he was stealing conflict diamonds from some 11 year old refugee's. And what do we get instead? some godamned P.H.D do gooder type, who inexplicaply has a 1200x 1500 picture of himself that shows up on Google Images. Fucking Victor Tron.

MOTHER FUCKIN JOKER YOU CRAZY CRACKAS

2007-05-20T01:31:00.000-07:00

The First official picture of the Joker has officially been dropped online, via an extremely cleaver guerrilla marketing campaign by our friends at WB. Godamn this picture puts some monstrous lead in my pencil. I am loving the direction that Nolan's crazy limey ass is heading with this picture, and the Marketing thus far has been excellent. Considering the fact that we are still a year away from Dark Knight this is both exciting and painful. While we have to wait for a godamn eternity, we are apparently going to get a shitload of goodies in the meantime. My guess is that the crazy fuckers workin' these sites got a hell of a lot in store for us before the film is due. Keep posted to the blog for Periodic Bat updates, because the rogues gallery ain't got shit else to do.

Kudos to Baxter for sending me the pic, I was drunk, and didnt catch the official picture.

Go DJ!

2007-05-19T16:32:00.000-07:00

My obsession for this week is electronia-rap mashups... the ultimate guilty pleasure. Dope boy swagger combined with glowing synth melodies and stretched to the limits of visceral thrills. Linked below is the nathanimal collective's best a-trak imitation:

Enter The Beautiful Chamber

MAC and MACKING

2007-05-18T02:04:00.000-07:00

Mac is Back. Or has been back...look at these last three posts...they are pure genie-ous, like finding an oreo under a pillow. You're like, "Oh, wow. I didn't see that there. I don't care how old this is, I'm going to bite into it."

It's exactly like that.

On an unrelated note: Back off Superman, Bats is trying to score some play.

DRONK RETURNS FROM THE LAKE OF FLAMES

2007-05-18T01:22:00.000-07:00

HORRIBLE DOUBLE FEATURE:

John Candy as an Ex-bobsledder teaching a bunch of Jamaicians the trade. You have got to be shitting me. Now combine that level of idiotic joy with......

perhaps the most upsetting movie I have ever seen. And I sat through Street Fighter three times. In the Theater. Seriously, This double feature could potentially make beer shits come out of your ears, its fucking lethal. But thats what happens when your bored and you hang out in the media library for an hour every day.

Now onto more serious news:

WACKY T-SHIRTS!!!!!!!!
Recently I was farting around and came across a godamn galaxy of shirts I am too portley to ever wear. however I can still enjoy the beauty of these cotton kittens online. Here are a couple nuggets of gold you can buy for your step dad as soon as he gets out of prison:

Here is a little bit of arithmetic. Che was a fuckin' dick. Simple and true. People just like him because he looked cool on a T-shirt and he was recently played by the guy from Y tu mama tambien. Fuck Che.
However, when you combine Che's lame ass with Chewbacca, baby you got a stew goin'.

Minus the cock sleave wearing the T-shirt, how can you not fall in love with the majesty of this T shirt. I just blue myself, on a fucking shirt. I swear to god, If satan rose from the festering turd cannons of Hell to take over Earth, I could probably wander over to that giant red centaur with this shirt on, and just taunt him. Mother fucker would turn tail and piss off back to hell. Thats how good this shirt is.

Dirtbike's movie subtitles

2007-05-17T03:32:00.000-07:00

AKA Clive Owen: Limey Thief

Young Herculez

2007-05-06T20:32:00.000-07:00

Huh. How in the fuck did this get past me. Current indie golden boy Ryan Half Nelson Gosling was the lead in young Hercules. Which Im pretty sure was on UPN. I dont mean to be a dick or anything, but what casting agent looked at him for a movie like, I dont know, the Believer, and said damn this kid definatley looks like a Neo Nazi. Regardless cheers to Gosling for getting a good career going and a new haircut, because he looks like a huge dickwad in that picture.

THIS JUST IN: I AM A FUCKING LOSER

2007-04-27T02:20:00.000-07:00

USA Today got an exclusive first look at Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Starks in the forthcoming Iron Man film. And Downey looks.... pretty fucking good. Seriously, the guy looks solid, especialy for someone who smokes two packs a day and drank more sauce than any normal human should. But man, Downey seems like a stand up guy, so by god I'm glad Paramount had the sack to cast him as Stark.

Also in comics to film news, the first picture of Heath Ledger as Joker has surfaced. Just kidding, this thing is faker than your moms tits. However I was sucked into the charade just as much as everyone else, and the truth of the matter is that when I saw this fucker thinking it was real, I was damn disapointed. He really does look like the bastard son of some albino broad, with a mixed cocktail from the Crow and Ichi the killer. Here's hoping that Nolan gives a shit what fans think, and makes with one creepy murdering honkey.

further

2007-04-23T18:38:00.000-07:00

The Gospel According to Mac

2007-04-16T18:34:00.000-07:00

"Dronk Industries is proud to announce their first foray into the publishing world: a 600-page tome entitled The Gospel According to Mac. TGAM is a collection of photographs and wisdom from the eminent prescient authority of our time, Mac "Dirtbike Donahue" Hamilton. Included here are preview pages of the forthcoming book, which is expected to hit shelves (and change the world as we know it) in September."

YOU'RE THE BEST....AROUND!!!!!

2007-04-11T01:26:00.000-07:00

Dirtbike Donahue Here, I've decided its time to rise from the ashes and get my ass in gear, start posting some more online shenanigans. Its been over a month since planet Rock has been up, so time to get that shit poppin again. Look back soon for more musings.

Follow Up: Micheal Showalter is a huge dick...or is he?

2007-04-02T16:21:00.000-07:00

Showalter. Rudd. Spoof. Funny.

David O. Russell is a huge dick

2007-03-20T18:20:00.000-07:00

David O. Russell directed I Heart Huckabees and Three Kings, and, unbeknownst to me, is apparently the biggest asshole in the world. Peep this from his wikipedia entry:

Not long after this, an altercation occurred at a Hollywood party between Russell and Christopher Nolan (Director of Batman Begins). During preproduction for Russell's film I ♥ Huckabees, Jude Law abandoned his commitment to the project to instead take the lead role in Nolan's film Memento. Russell was so infuriated that he had lost the star of his upcoming project that he retaliated at a Hollywood party by placing Christopher Nolan into a headlock. Russell refused to release the headlock until Nolan released Jude Law from the lead role of his film. Almost immediately afterward, Jude Law left the Memento project and returned to Russell's film.[2]
I'm a little disappointed that Nolan didn't do anything to get back at this jackass, but really, Nolan does look kind of like a pussy. Too bad his films are only a million fucking times better than Russell's though.

Oh, and catch this absolutely unbelievable clip of Russell having a huge tantrum on the set of I Heart Huckabees, while its still up on wwtdd.com.

I Wish My Grass Was Isaac Brock...

2007-03-20T13:42:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't live life one pitchfork newsfeed refresh at a time, you might not have caught today's story about Isaac Brock cutting himself in the chest midway through a performance in South Dakota. A slightly incoherent account of the concert can be found at:

http://blogs.argusleadermedia.com/link/

And although I realize how immoral it is to take pleasure in an obvious sign of declining mental health or substance abuse, this story honestly reminded me of why I love this band. In the post-Nissan-advert., post-MTV2, post-Float-On-blasted-during-NFL-halftime world, its hard to remember that despite all their recently-aquired pop sensibilities, Modest Mouse is and always has been a fucking weird band. Brock spent most of his childhood being shuffled around between trailers in Issaquah, they are named after a Virginia Woolf quote and they were recording sprawling statements about American working-class disenchantment at a time when musicians didn't really attempt to make literary statements about.. much of anything. Even if they temporarily flirted with the mainstream, they always have championed the outcasts, drifters and fuckups better than anyone else. Lifes still sweet... NAHT

TRES!

2007-03-19T11:46:00.001-07:00

Everything was right in 1987

2007-03-19T05:22:00.000-07:00

If you are stuck in the funk of midterms or coke induced insomnia, I have a film that should blow your fucking mind. Street Trash. Set in 1980's bum filled new york, the story follows a group of homeless men and women who are unwittingly sold cheap liquor which makes them melt and/or explode. Yes, bums melting. Rent this movie.

Red White and Blue Balls

2007-03-13T11:21:00.000-07:00

By far the best thing to come out of Marvel's stunt-death of Captain America last week:

Certainly much better than 'Captain Punish-merica' or whatever you want to call this...thing...

Thank god for Lunatics with computers

2007-03-10T03:30:00.000-08:00

stumbling about the IMDB boards, I found a link to the Blog of an African History teacher who goes by the name Truth First. Suffice to say, this guy has some of the best Blog posts that I have ever read. For example:
The Racist legacy of Star Trek:
http://african-in-america.blogspot.com/2006/09/racist-legacy-of-star-trek.html

Or Racism in American Films:
http://african-in-america.blogspot.com/2006/11/racism-in-american-films.html

The american films one is fucking classic, dig on a few examples that our friend Truth First gives.

"The Nutty Professor (1996) – A African professor is depicted as a nut."

"Bad Boys (1995) – African men are portrayed as bad boys."

"Cliffhanger (1993) – The only African in the film is brutally killed by a white man who impales him upon an icicle in a white European cave."

"Curious George (2006) – A white interloper goes to Africa and kidnaps a monkey that has no tail and walks upright and essentially acts as the white man’s servant. In other words, a metaphor for an African slave."

Curious fucking George is an allegory to Slavery? Jesus that makes me feel guilty as hell for years of fun reading Curious George's wacky adventures. But now, man, fuck the man in the yellow hat. I want to cut that cracker.

I MAY HAVE JUST SHARTED FROM EXCITEMENT, BUT ITS COOL, DONT WORRY.

2007-03-09T01:06:00.000-08:00

The image above is a test from Zach Snyder's upcoming Adaptation of Alan Moore's Watchmen. While this flick has been farting about in development hell for about two decades, the above image is a sign of this flick actually going somewhere. And considering the fact that 300 is about to collectively blow many an ass out of many a seat, it should be interesting to see what happens from here on out. but for now all I can say is, Holy shit its fucking Rorschach!

Awwww shit! Look who's got a problem!

2007-03-07T18:51:00.003-08:00

Squirrel Birth Control: Final solution for pesky rodents or Ryan Adams alter-ego?

Fuck, I wish the chinese would just Red Dawn our asses already

2007-03-05T00:28:00.000-08:00

Wild Hogs made 38 million dollars at the box office this weekend. A movie starring John Travolta (Battlefield Earth, Basic, Swordfish) Martin Lawrence (Black Knight, Big Momma's House Part 1 and 2) and TIm Allen (All sorts of horseshit) made nearly 40 million dollars. I swear if there is a Wild Hogs 2 I might fly down to Santa's work shop and shit down his chimney.

Charlie Rose is dronk

2007-03-03T12:08:00.000-08:00

Easy Tiger Review

2007-03-02T15:13:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was browsing through my roommate’s Khaki Time Portal and I found this Spin review of Ryan Adam’s upcoming album:

Ryan Adams
Easy Tiger
Lost Highway, 2007
*****

By now you’ve probably read the reports: Singer-songwriter and long-time drug addict Ryan Adams, in one last desperate grasp at stardom, crashed his World War 2-era fighter jet into Abraham Lincoln’s nose on Mt. Rushmore last week. His body has yet to be found. But that’s the bad news. The good news is that Adams, prior to his supposed suicide, had time to record his masterpiece and swan song, Easy Tiger. As Robert Sheffield has been quick to point out, the album marks the creation of a new genre of music: alt-sunshine glee pop. Album opener “Goodnight Rose” is a tender tribute to his great-grandmother, who was abducted by the Shawnee tribe and put into a 43-day coma by the tribe’s shaman. The album highlight doesn’t come until three tracks later, with “Halloween Head.” Previously hinted at on his website (www.ryan-adams.com, which has been converted into a memorial), “Halloween Head” is a 10 minute extended version of the previously titled “Good Morning.” His alter ego DJ Reggie returns on “Oh My God, Whatever, Etc.,” a Garage Band masterpiece that uses the guitar solo from KISS’s “Love Gun” backwards as a beat for Adam’s prophetic musings, the topics of which include The Dalai Lama, Brazilian cuisine and the irrigation system of Topeka, Kansas, following up on Adam’s 2005 promise to “rhyme the shit out of irrigation.” The album closes with the bouncy, Ventures-esque instrumental “Rip Off” and the bombastic “Pearls on a String,” which boasts an orchestral crescendo that calls to mind early Sigur Ros, revealing insight into Ryan’s personal demons, in the lyric “Anna Farris how’d you put a spell on me// It’s the taste of your blood that sets me free.” You see, Easy Tiger is not to be judged by its sonic appeal alone. Its brilliance lies in its ability to mask its angst in upbeat, metropolitan pop. Perhaps if he had made another Heartbreaker, we could have prevented his untimely death. But Mr. Adam’s flame can die out with the knowledge that it fueled one of the finest albums of this young fauna of a millennium.

This is what it sounds like, when a Screech cries

2007-03-02T02:34:00.000-08:00

Dustin Diamond, AKA Screech, beloved star of Every stoner's after school favorite "Saved By The Bell" has put out a sex tape. According to website TMZ, "The tape begins with Diamond in a bathtub, narrating what's to come. It ends with Diamond introducing one of the women to a "Dirty Sanchez." Suffice it say, it is unbelievably graphic." Oh my fucking god. This shit sounds like something Andy Warhol would have done, if Warhol was still alive and watched Saved by the Bell. Apparently Diamonds lack of finances led to his selling of the sex tape, which has been getting solid buzz as an entertaining albeit surreal and emotionally damaging piece of work.

Ay yo, Buzz Lightyear wearin a wire son

2007-03-01T03:15:00.000-08:00

After Viewing Admiral Baxter's most enjoyable Robert Downey Jr. mugshot, I began to peruse the internet in search of other amusing celebrity fuck-up's. Today I bring you another delightful bit of celebrity justice, in the form of everyones favorite Tool Time host. No not Al you shit head, hes busy doing infomercials and giving hand jobs for sitcom guest roles, Im talking about The Santa Clause himself, Tim Allen.

"On 2 October 1978, Tim Allen Dick was arrested in Detroit for possession of a pound and a half of cocaine. Under Michigan law, he could have been sentenced to life in prison. Instead he turned state's evidence -- the legal term for ratting on your cohorts. Allen reportedly fingered at least 21 co-conspirators, and in exchange, he was sentenced to just five years under the more lenient (at that time) federal law. He was paroled after 2½ years, and after dropping his last name, he has become one of America's most successful ex-cons gone legit."

Wow. I already wanted to head butt Tim Allen before. But to hear that The Shaggy Dog is a fucking rat just makes me wonder why there is no justice in this god forbidden planet. Although the mental image of prison inmates vowing revenge on The Star of Home Improvement is pretty fucking perfect.

Ziggazam!

2007-02-27T14:24:00.000-08:00

The fact that the star of Le Cercle Rouge has his own brand of cigarettes feels right to me on so many levels. Unfortunatley these are only available in Asia, so unless you have an uncle who resides in the Orient, you are shit out of luck.

The next exciting tidbit is of course The fucking Joker hanging out with fucking Two-Face at some fucking awards show. Holy fucking toledo why cant they just make this fucking movie already.

Oh and to finish how about another page of Planet Rock? Yeah? Fantastic.

Iron Man: DRONK

2007-02-27T00:45:00.000-08:00

Iron Man: Drunk

2007-02-27T00:36:00.000-08:00

So I keep thinking to myself that the new Iron Man film might not turn out too badly. Robert Downey, Jr., Terrance Howard, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Jeff Bridges. Pretty stacked cast. John Favreau behind the camera...let's hope it's Elf quality and not Zathura II: Electric Boogaloo.

But what is this I hear about the flim declining to depict Iron Man/Tony Stark's drinking problem--the only truly interesting thing about the character???
And you cast Robert Downey, Jr., of all people, to play a character who is an infamous drunk, just NOT IN THE FUCKING MOVIE??!!

Ok, now I have worked myself into a billious, nuclear rage; viral nerd pheromones are being secreted out of my every pore. Damn! Shazam! Zathura!

FUCK.

What could have been...

Planet Rock

2007-02-25T20:44:00.000-08:00

Holy. Shit.

2007-02-25T13:21:00.000-08:00

Does anyone else feel like jumping off a Brazilian mountain cliff at the climax of last night's SNL performance when Win smashes his guitar? Anybody getting excited for Sasquatch? Check it out:
"Intervention"

"Keep the Car Running"

and because Rainn Wilson hosted, I guess NBC decided to air this little beauty:

CHEA CHEA CHEA CHEA CHEA

2007-02-24T14:27:00.000-08:00

Comics and Movies! Down Town Clown Frown!

2007-02-23T11:09:00.000-08:00

Not to detract from JJ's recent string of bemusing posts, but this morning has been balls crazy with comics film news.
-Warner Bros announces Justice League of America film
-300 director Zach Snyder talks Watchmen (fucking WATCHMEN!)
-And keep track of all of Uncle Frank's movies conveniently here.

Look at Frank Miller. He looks like a grumpy bird of prey from some Disney cartoon or something. Even when he's looking bemused (there's that word again...) he still looks skeptical and murderous.

Dear Pop Culture Icons: Blow Me

2007-02-23T01:00:00.000-08:00

Celebrities are mother fucking crazy. Im talking batshit, burning old tires in the backyard crazy. This certainly isnt anything new or revolutionary, but what in the name of butt crunching christ are they putting in the water in beverly hills? Britney Spears looks like Sinead O' Connor crossed with Anne Frank, Paris Hilton is turning every 12 year old into a soon to be haggard street walker, and Lindsay Lohan is quickly erasing the brillaince of Mean Girls and Herbie Fully Loaded from our collective memories. Oh and that one Trimspa/old man lover finally cashed in her chips. What happened to the celebrities of yester year, who abused themselves just as much and still managed to hang on to a modicrum of grace, through and through. No one can go out with any fucking sense of dignity, instead we have to watch as talented folks such as Lohan go from likeable bombshells to B movie costars in Steven Seagall movies. I assume, who the fuck really knows.

How can Britney Spears shaving her fucking head be the biggest news in the country? Its just a huge mental cluster fuck, like throwing a barricuda in your bath or a grenade in your Toyota. So here is my big plan for celebrities. Either get your shit together, or die with dignity. Im sure it must suck ass to not be able to go to starbucks without being hounded by photographers or fans or whatever. But lets be real here, these girls need the attention that they claim is driving them to be vacant humans. If these people didnt want attention, then they probably wouldnt be out clubbing the day after leaving rehab, or constantly flashing their cooters every time they got out of cars.

Planet Rock Returnith

2007-02-23T00:55:00.000-08:00

Ive been slower than molasses getting these fuckers up, but by god I will do my best to keep these pages coming up daily. Oh and watch out for a few more comics this weekend, including the triumphant return of beer dick bill and maybe just maybe, something else that could quite possibly light a fire in your crotch the likes of which you seldom see. And no, I have no fucking clue what that means. So shut the fuck up and read the fucking funny pages.

canadian girls, all i ever wanted

2007-02-21T20:21:00.000-08:00

"Oh you didn't think we could do it again?"
- Twista

The Oriens played a surprise gig in Seattle this weekend. In true fashion, they ran through every song only once, overlooking small mistakes in lyrics and guitar. Some tool with an iPod and a microphone bootlegged it apparently. Heres one of the cuts form the session:
The Oriens - Canadian Girls (February is Cold Remix)

Jason's Brig Idea

2007-02-15T22:21:00.001-08:00

From the studio that brought you Cool Runnings, Running With Scissors, Runaway Bride and BLADE RUNNER...
Coming to a Jamican theater near you.

smokin Rock

2007-02-15T14:01:00.000-08:00

low - drums and guns

2007-02-15T11:06:00.001-08:00

Low
Drums & Guns
(Sub Pop 2007)

It’s been a while since I felt as hopeless as I did wandering around campus in the rain, listening to Low’s new album, “Drums and Guns.” For those of you that don’t know, Low got their start as a slowcore/post-rock band back in the early 90’s and made a slew of Kranky albums. 1n 2005 they signed to Sup Pop and flirted with optimism on The Great Destroyer, and have since been working on this, their 10th proper album. I in no way intend exaggeration when I say that Low has made their best album yet. Not only that, but the album has the strongest opening suite of any 2007 album I’ve heard thus far. “Pretty People” sets the tone of the album, kicking of with hazy guitars and a pretty stong mission statement; “All the soldiers… they’re all gonna die…” “Belarus” floats along above an almost Kid A instrumental and “Breaker” grooves amidst handclaps and a crunchy synth line, and Alan Sparhawk sounds angrier than ever. It’s hard not to appreciate the production value on this song. “Drums and Guns” is most definitely a headphones album. “Breaker” is mixed perfectly, the synth hammers away towards the left while the beat pans back and forth until the distorted guitar kicks in its blistering glory. The fourth track, “Dragonfly” might be the most depressing song I’ve heard all year. “Why do we even try, there’s no such thing as dragonflies” moans Sparhawk over a spare industrial beat and the wail of guitars in the background. The rest of the album is equally bleak, following the themes of war and death right into the last song “Violent Past.” The album’s most uplifting moment comes in the short “Hatchet,” which boasts a catchy melody and the line “let’s bury the hatchet like the Beatles and the Stones.” I don’t know if that’s optimism or not. All I know is that whether or not they intended it, Low brought back the clouds.

and now, here's some swando:

FUCK THE WORLD

2007-02-15T00:51:00.000-08:00

The film adaption of Frank Miller's RONIN comic is to be directed by the man who brought you the seminal break dancing film STOMP THE YARD.

Because really, who else could possibly bring that story to life?

This is incontrovertible proof of satan's existence--And he is not as awesome as heavy metal would have you believe. He's the kind of guy who does this shit, and leaves his long black pubic hairs on your pillow and scrubs his asshole with your toothbrush and reelects George Bush.

Fuck.

The New Kings of Leon = Nice Booty

2007-02-14T18:15:00.000-08:00

BECAUSE OF THE TIMES, the new Kings of Leon album, just leaked.
I gave it a listen and at first I thought it was shittier than a pile of Ronald Reagan's shit...or something.
The first half of the album is all bad impersonations of other bands, veering wildly from one sound to another, and it dunnit work.

The second half, however, was awesome. The back end was fizzine.
Like a nice back end on a lady--namsayin'?