The Finer Points of Animal Alcoholics

Oddly enough, nothing seems to make me feel happier than a bunch of party animals. Sure they are all going to some form of zoo rehab soon, but fuck man. They are having the time of their lives. These animals are trendsetters. While others of their respective species are going out to do things like hunt and perhaps built shelters (or whatever animals do) these guys looked boldly into the eyes of their peers and said "nu-uh". How that baby penguin got that merlot is beyond me. I assume the polar bear gnawed off the hand of some eskimo to get to his hooch and smokes. My basic point is if you pass a polar shaking a cup with a sign around his neck that states "will kill for hooch" throw some silver in his cup. Hes had a hard enough time already.

In conclussion, I will simply leave you with the words to the song "Cigarettes, Whiskey, and wild wild women"

Cigarettes, whiskey and wild wild women
They'll drive you crazy, they'll drive you insane;
Cigarettes, whiskey and wild wild women
They'll drive you crazy, they'll drive you insane;

Once I was happy and had a good wife
I had enough money to last me for life
Then I met with a gal and we went on a spree
She taught me smokin' and drinkin' whiskee

Cigarettes are a blight on the whole human race
A man is a monkey with one in his face;
Take warning dear friend, take warning dear brother
A fire's on one end, a fools on the t'other.

And now good people, I'm broken with age
The lines on my face make a well written page
I'm weavin' this story -- how sadly but true
On women and whiskey and what they can do

Write on the cross at the head of my grave
For women and whiskey here lies a poor slave.
Take warnin' poor stranger, take warnin' dear friend
In wide clear letters this tale of my end.

A Meditation on Cinema and The Cougar That is Dianne Weist via Text Messages

Mac: I'm just gonna put this out there: Con Air, in the running for best 90's ensemble piece?

Jason: Perhaps? What about Deep Rising or Armageddon?


Mac: All of those movies are just like Robert Altman flicks on coke and Viagra.

Jason: Exactly!

Mac: I love movies where the talent is slumming but they are still having fun. Which is why I adore Con Air and Deep Rising. Armageddon has Billy Bob and the off thing is that you can tell he's annoyed to be a part of such a tard fest.

Jason: Yeah. As if he never takes a role in turkeys.

Mac: Yeah but that was in the wake of his "I make movies about retarded French fried tatter loving murderers, thus I'm an auteur". Everyone has that phase.

Jason: Now he is a retarded French fry or whatever you just said.

Mac: I'm watching a VHS of Lost Boys. It's normal to wanna rail Dianne Wiest isn't it?

Jason: Dude I still wanna rail Dianne Wiest.

Mac: She is just a fine looking lass. I would pour her boxed wine all night. She seems like the kind of gal who would make you bacon & eggs the next morning.

Jason: Or maybe weird oedipal french toast.

Mac: My mom looks nothing like Dianne Wiest. I could show Wiest the light very easily without feeling weird about it.

Jason: Totally. I want to experience her experience.

Mac: She's self aware and pretty in an off centre way. I guess what I'm saying is that I would lease my face on a month to month basis to Dianne Wiest's vagina.

Jason: I would commit to a 6 month lease and then go month to month after that to shoe her that she's my number one lady.

Mac: Fucking a. To parlay this back to Lost Boys: I know hot topic cunts have fucked it up to a degree, but this movie has some awesome nerd elements to it, and is also awesomely dated.

Jason: And it has the Keefster.

Mac: I just wanted to write "the Queefster" after I saw that.

Magic Horses

An open letter to the creator of Magic Horses

From the Desk of Dirtbike Donahue

hello,
we dont know each other. My name is Dirtbike Donahue, and several days ago I stumbled across your video as I was perusing youtube. I only managed to watch about half of your video, due to one glaring fault in your video. What you have haphazardly edited together are not "magic horses". Those are called unicorns. Jesus fucking Christ who doesnt know what a unicorn is? And espeically someone who spent at least 45 minutes editing together an entire slideshow filled with the things. I pray to god you are some sort of nine year old editing genius living in an igloo with a wireless connection. Because otherwise you are probably either the biggest little shitkicker in your school or are some sort of creepy Hallmark employee. Either way amazon.com a book on unicorns you shitheel.

Cordially,
Dirtbike Donahue

Lord and savior

Thanks to CHUD

breaking News: Obama's Hidden Past Revealed!

We here at Dronk headquarters are constantly knee deep in piles of breaking news. But today, I Dirtbike Donahue have uncovered information that will certainly cast Barack Obama's vie for the office of US President into doubt. A source who shall remain annonymous uncovered Mr. Obama's history as the leader of the largest gang in New York City, The Gramery Riffs. At the time Obama went under the psudeonym Cyrus, and was nearing a pact to unite the many gangs of New York under one umbrella, in order to run off the cops and mob. However before he could succeed, it appeared as though he had been gunned down. But this "assassination" was nothing more than an oppoprtunity for the man to reinvent himself as a politician and champion of the people.

Oddly enough, his transformation from feared gang leader to possible president came with a relaitive lack of change in rhetoric. "He was always talking us up before rumbles. We would be afraid that we was gonna get japped, but Cyrus would always calm us down. I remember we got in a big scrape with the Baseball Furies once. We thought we were gonna get killed. But Cyrus just said, 'Can we beat these mother fuckers? Yes we can"

We will provide updates as frequently as possible.

Fincher on Black Hole? Akira live action?

Today has seen a strange flurry of off center comic to film news. First things first, David Fincher has taken over directing duties on the adaptation of Charles Burns Black Hole. Suffice to say if you haven't read it, now is the time. However to be honest, this shit will probably never happen. Because Fincher is one fickle dude. He has attached himself to about a half dozen projects that are heading nowhere. So until camera's start rolling, I'm gonna go ahead and call bullshit.

The weirder comic news today comes from WB, who in their infinite wisdom have taken it upon themselves to produce a two part live action remake of Akira, set in a futuristic New York. I'm no big fan of the original anime book or movie, but the visuals aspect is certainly impressive.

The reason that I find this odd is because according to AICN, none other than Leonardo Dicaprio and Joseph Gordon Levitt have signed on to play the leads.

To which I can only say....huh?

Dirtbike phone home

I dont know how many people read this, but tonight, I have come up with a wonderful conclusion. I dont give a rats ass. There is something wondefully noble aboutu posting infantile goat shit on the internet for your own satisfaction. Only here can I post my ramblings about the combination of weed and films.....

speaking of which, when was the last time you watched E.T.?

Mother of god, nostalgia can be a serious motherfucker. While I was home this weekend, I made my usual pillaging of the home DVD collection, and wonderfully enough, my eyes fell on a little piece of treasure. Tucked away innocuoulsly between my Ernest goes to Prison and UHF DVD's I found it. My first thought was naturally, "why in the fuck did I buy E.T. on DVD?" but after overcoming my persnoal embarassment, i felt a delightful mix of excitement and anticipation. From that moment, I made a mental note to myself. And that note said simply:
2/19/08
I'm gonna get high as a kite and watch the shit out of E.T."

Now as the credits roll, I feel just like a kid again. Except when I was a kid, I didnt take four smoke breaks throughout the movie. E.T. is a film that makes you believe in the possibility of pleasant aliens, and also installs a deep seated root for govermental mistrust. 1984 may be a great novel, but it didn't make me wanna stick a pinecone up the man's ass half as much as E.T did and does. My only qualms for the film come with the updated edition.

Because Spielberg cares, or something, he digitally changed the goverment spooks guns to flashlights. I get that he didnt want to expose kids to guns in a family film. However removing those guns removes the danger of Uncle Sam popping a cap in the aliens ass. To really be on the edge of ones seat, you need to believe that those spooks will shoot to kill. In the happy new version, there aint shit to be scared of. what are they gonna do? Play flashlight tag with him? Oh shiver my fucking timbers, run E.T. god forbid you get caught with the flashlights!

That minor complaint aside, I couldnt advise you more to dig through that box of VHS in your basement. E.T. ages beautifully.